trudging through Iowa

I had no idea that the internet would be such an easy way to raise money. At first I was skeptical about the advertisement offering a free toaster to anyone who could spell the president of Iran's name correctly. Technically, it was totally legal. Even those who spelled Ahmadinejad did not actually write it in Farsi. But that was the hook that got them in their and once they heard my plan for a Super America, they were on.

The second thing that helped me was the celebrity endorsement of Duke Blackjack. I knew him back when his name was Darnell Steinman, but being half Jewish and half black was still a career suicide in Nashville. Anyway, I wrote a song a few years back for him. It was when he faced up to his alcohol addiction and so I wrote "Tea for Jesus," with that catchy phrase, "When I want to drink, I think of Jesus. Then I drink for Jesus. Yeah, tea for Jesus. 'Cuz I heard he frees us. Tea for Jesus." Man, it was a hit among redneck evangelicals who were tired of the "Friends in Low Places" alcoholic drinking songs. Plus, it landed him a commerical for Lipton.

The point is that Iowa has a lot of dry counties, so Duke Blackjack is a sort-of celebrity. Honestly, there really hasn't been anyone else to come out of that state. So, now I have a strong Evangelical support base. I've been using words like "blessed" and "lifted up" like a youth leader at a church camp.

Aside from that, Iowa is pretty much one extended hick town. The people take great pride in the fact that they set the trend for the election, which I find ironic, because, if there is anything Iowa is not, it is trend-setting - especially in fashion. Well, I'll keep you posted as I go along. This whole campaign gig has been great.

why Christmas is hard for me

A few years ago, I made a huge mistake on December 25th. It was the late '90's, when there was still a huge gang problem plaguing the beautiful streets of Phoenix. So, I was staking out a gang for awhile to try and stop their leader. All I knew was that he dressed like a street pimp and wore red. So, one night I noticed a suspicious man who looked much like the Notorious BIG. I noticed that he had broken into someone's home and was eating cookies. I felt a sense of awe in this criminal. Who is so confident in his ability to steal that he stops to eat cookies? Then I started to wonder if he was a chocolate addict - perhaps and emotional eater.

He had also stolen a suspicious package, which might have contained drugs. He was even using the word "ho" which is a red flag for gangsters. (I've seen enough hip hop videos and I'm pretty sure it's a derogatory term for sexually liberated women) So, I ran into the house, sprayed mocos (boogers, for you gringo readers) on him and stopped him.

It turns out that he is really a man named Santa Claus. Apparently, I had apprehended a saint! What's worse is that I nearly ruined Christmas. Santa was out cold and had to be revived by a group of lovable midgets whom he called his elves. (Is it midgets or little people? I'm never really sure) Who else is employing little people? What a great guy. I guess they live in a sort-of collectivist paradise (which explains the red) up in Norther Nova Scotia or something like that. He says he's concerned about his future with the ice caps melting so quickly. I found this odd, because I figured his workshop factory must leave a huge carbon foot print. To my surprise, it's all fueled by magic and so is his delivery method of flying reindeer.

It turns out that Communism can work . . . under the right conditions. Santa explained that the cost of labor increased and he had to do a few endorsements for Coca Cola and some mall appearances. So, there is a sense that he feels like a sellout given his left-leaning tendencies. Still, I am impressed by such a guy.

my bid to be vp

As a child, I was raised to believe that "super" was the ultimate goal. I worked hard, earned straight A's, went to college, earned a master's in Superhero Science and am currently writing a doctoral thesis on attempting to use bilingual monologues to increase the wait time with villains. It's been interesting field research, teaming me up with some strange villains who often have a more human and sympathetic story than the superheroes.

The point is this: I am super, but I am also mediocre. I am in that B+ range - that good student who does not make validictorian, but it still really good. In other words, I'm the guy you would want to be a number two. I just wrote "number two." Wow, I've been spending too much time around geeky villains who have a penchant for laughing at lame toilet humor. My point is that I can be that Scottie Pippin to Michael Jordan. I can be Art Garfunkle.

With this, let it be known that I am the first superhero-turned-vice presidential candidate to announce his candidacy on Blogger and Myspace at the same time. We'll see CNN covers it. Perhaps not, but maybe I'll get a short mention on NPR. I haven't chosen the party or the candidate, but I am letting the future candidates know that I am available to be a vice president. It's a hard job, filled with the occasional demand to break a Senate tie as well as the various photo-ops and meetings. Yet, it's just the right job for a B+ guy like me.

when do you become an android?

So, I have a friend, we'll call him Matt Ban. He's a nice guy, indpendently wealthy, a bachelor, sort of a recluse. Okay, why am I describing him like a dating ad? I might as well mention that he likes long walks on the beach and cuddling after dark. The truth is that he's a loner, a sort-of Howard Hughes figure without the crazy phobias (though he is, incidentally afraid of spiders, which can make things awkward with my other friend Peter Parker).

We were having lunch together and it was really embaressing. First, he offered to pay, which made it feel like a date. On one hand, it was nice, because the place was way beyond my price range. I'm used to going to places with a dollar menu. It's always hard for me when wealthy people want to go out to eat, because their version of cheap is so much more expensive than what I can afford. I mean, this Applebee's place was really expensive. The workers actually brought us out our food.

I felt uncomfortable, because he's single and I'm married and I don't really go that way. I mean, I think he's handsome. Who wouldn't think Bruce was handsome? I just don't find him attractive. Besides, we're both straight anyway.

So then I get more embaressed when he pulls out his iPhone while we are eating. He starts watching re-runs of his old t.v. series - the one with the penchant for using "biffs" and "pows." It taught a whole generation of kids how to use onomatopoeia. He then checks his e-mail, makes a quick phone call, orders a pizza and downloads his favorite Prince song. It gets me wondering if maybe he isn't so straight. I start wondering about his close relationship with his sidekick - a college intern we'll call "Robin."

"Don't you think this dehumanizes people?" I ask him, pointing to the iPhone.

"No, it's the opposite. It connects people to one another."

"No, I mean, there is a part of the human connection that is lost in the process. There is a sense that when you are there you are never . . ." and he's on his phone again, this time checking his Fantasy Football scores. Okay, so now I'm thinking he's probably straight.

Here's my concern with Matt Ban. I think he's turning into an Android. He's like Data on Star Trek, but in reverse. Instead of being a robot trying to turn human, he's transforming into a robot. Sure, he still uses the light shining in the sky, but that's all smoke and mirrors. His Batmobile is all flat screen tv and GPS and satellite radio. Even his superhero deeds have become so technology-driven that there is a sense that it is not him anymore.

I've always thought Matt Ban's superpower was his technology. Now I'm realizing technology is his cryptonite.

being a libertarian and superhero at the same time

Being a bit of a libertarian (notice the small l. I don't endorse the big L.) I don't naturally believe that government is the solution for much of anything. Given this, it might seem strange that I would pursue a job as a superhero. Yet, that is precisely why I do this: becuase I am a libertarian.

Many people assume that we are paid by the government to fight crime. That's a misnomer. Superheroes are privately funded. Some are independently wealthy like Batman or Superman. Others, like me, are full-time superheroes who had to fundraise for our salary. Being Moco Loco, it was easy to simply find a pharmeceutical company as a coporate sponsor. Thanks to Merck, I no longer struggle with out-of-control allergies; I have a cool uniform; and I have a broad assortment of clicky pens.

See, superheroes exist because the government has failed to fight crime. We are a private answer to a public problem and, quite honestly, I think we do a good job. I must be careful about how I word this. I have many police officer friends who would be offended. Yet, I know that it's not their fault. They have an endless stream of procedures and paperwork. I believe that superheroes are a great example of what happens when private industry can replace government bureacracy.

on censuring cereal ads

The British censor Ofcom is threatening to censor sugar ads on the heavily regulated BBC network. The idea is that it is bad for children to consume so much sugar - that it's just not natural, that it rots their teeth, that it makes them fat.

I think this is a bad move for a few reasons. First, sugar is natural. (Though, technically, so is plutonium, but I wouldn't want children consuming it) So there goes that reason. In terms of teeth, we're talking about the British. They are born with bad teeth. Jacked-up teeth is just a part of the cultural heritage - as much as bland food, great rock and roll music and a legacy of imperlialism. Besides, eating sugar is a part of childhood. Why ruin it? The answer lies in moderation.

Yet, I am concerned for larger social reasons. When Ofcom starts regulating sugar cereal advertisements, they have taken over a role that belongs to parents. Besides, who's to say that these companies are marketing to children. Tony the Tiger isn't a children's figure. He's a flesh-eating mammal that can tear a gazelle (is that what they eat?) to pieces. What about the Lucky Charms leprachaun? Again, what child would ever want to meet a leprachaun? They couldn't do anything with a pot of gold anyway. Meanwhile, companies like Disney market from day one - on crazy things like diapers, bottles, etc. There is not a single diaper on the market that does not have some Disney character on it.

What are they supposed to run on children's programs? Beer commercials are funny, but I doubt the kids will get such high-brow humor. Nor would the children understand the complexities of a life-insurance ad. So, the only answer is more toy commercials, which means we are replacing a "part of the nutricious breakfast" with more commercialism. Besides, what happens if kids quit eating sugar cereal? That could lead to an increase in health and eventually overcrowding, overpopulation and higher state-subsidized health insurance.

On a side note, I am embaressed by the actions of the Superhero Union in this respect. The protests are very self-centered. They want to protest, only because they don't want to lose the endorsement money. One superhero (we'll call him "Matban," a well-educated entrepeneur) even carried a sign reading "Respect our first amendment," which is a slap in the face to the people who actually invented a Bill of Rights. Does he think that America's Bill of Rights has any validity in Great Britain?