when do you become an android?

So, I have a friend, we'll call him Matt Ban. He's a nice guy, indpendently wealthy, a bachelor, sort of a recluse. Okay, why am I describing him like a dating ad? I might as well mention that he likes long walks on the beach and cuddling after dark. The truth is that he's a loner, a sort-of Howard Hughes figure without the crazy phobias (though he is, incidentally afraid of spiders, which can make things awkward with my other friend Peter Parker).

We were having lunch together and it was really embaressing. First, he offered to pay, which made it feel like a date. On one hand, it was nice, because the place was way beyond my price range. I'm used to going to places with a dollar menu. It's always hard for me when wealthy people want to go out to eat, because their version of cheap is so much more expensive than what I can afford. I mean, this Applebee's place was really expensive. The workers actually brought us out our food.

I felt uncomfortable, because he's single and I'm married and I don't really go that way. I mean, I think he's handsome. Who wouldn't think Bruce was handsome? I just don't find him attractive. Besides, we're both straight anyway.

So then I get more embaressed when he pulls out his iPhone while we are eating. He starts watching re-runs of his old t.v. series - the one with the penchant for using "biffs" and "pows." It taught a whole generation of kids how to use onomatopoeia. He then checks his e-mail, makes a quick phone call, orders a pizza and downloads his favorite Prince song. It gets me wondering if maybe he isn't so straight. I start wondering about his close relationship with his sidekick - a college intern we'll call "Robin."

"Don't you think this dehumanizes people?" I ask him, pointing to the iPhone.

"No, it's the opposite. It connects people to one another."

"No, I mean, there is a part of the human connection that is lost in the process. There is a sense that when you are there you are never . . ." and he's on his phone again, this time checking his Fantasy Football scores. Okay, so now I'm thinking he's probably straight.

Here's my concern with Matt Ban. I think he's turning into an Android. He's like Data on Star Trek, but in reverse. Instead of being a robot trying to turn human, he's transforming into a robot. Sure, he still uses the light shining in the sky, but that's all smoke and mirrors. His Batmobile is all flat screen tv and GPS and satellite radio. Even his superhero deeds have become so technology-driven that there is a sense that it is not him anymore.

I've always thought Matt Ban's superpower was his technology. Now I'm realizing technology is his cryptonite.