why Christmas is hard for me

A few years ago, I made a huge mistake on December 25th. It was the late '90's, when there was still a huge gang problem plaguing the beautiful streets of Phoenix. So, I was staking out a gang for awhile to try and stop their leader. All I knew was that he dressed like a street pimp and wore red. So, one night I noticed a suspicious man who looked much like the Notorious BIG. I noticed that he had broken into someone's home and was eating cookies. I felt a sense of awe in this criminal. Who is so confident in his ability to steal that he stops to eat cookies? Then I started to wonder if he was a chocolate addict - perhaps and emotional eater.

He had also stolen a suspicious package, which might have contained drugs. He was even using the word "ho" which is a red flag for gangsters. (I've seen enough hip hop videos and I'm pretty sure it's a derogatory term for sexually liberated women) So, I ran into the house, sprayed mocos (boogers, for you gringo readers) on him and stopped him.

It turns out that he is really a man named Santa Claus. Apparently, I had apprehended a saint! What's worse is that I nearly ruined Christmas. Santa was out cold and had to be revived by a group of lovable midgets whom he called his elves. (Is it midgets or little people? I'm never really sure) Who else is employing little people? What a great guy. I guess they live in a sort-of collectivist paradise (which explains the red) up in Norther Nova Scotia or something like that. He says he's concerned about his future with the ice caps melting so quickly. I found this odd, because I figured his workshop factory must leave a huge carbon foot print. To my surprise, it's all fueled by magic and so is his delivery method of flying reindeer.

It turns out that Communism can work . . . under the right conditions. Santa explained that the cost of labor increased and he had to do a few endorsements for Coca Cola and some mall appearances. So, there is a sense that he feels like a sellout given his left-leaning tendencies. Still, I am impressed by such a guy.